Why Overgiving Leads to Resentment: When Serving Others Starts to Cost You
Throughout my motherhood journey, I have poured out a lot. I serve in my church in more than one capacity. I serve in the community through a dance academy that I absolutely love. I partner with a ministry and co-host their podcast. Of course, I am also a wife, a mother, and a business owner.
And if I'm honest, I enjoy serving. I continue to serve and have no plans of stopping.
As Christian working moms, serving often comes naturally. We want to help. We want to support. We want to show up for the people we love. We want to be available when someone needs us. We want to contribute to our families, churches, workplaces, and communities.
Serving is a beautiful thing. But sometimes, without realizing it, we move from serving out of overflow to serving out of depletion.
And that's where problems begin.
A Lesson God Taught Me
I remember when I was preparing to open my private practice. During that season, I felt the Lord speak something to my heart that I have carried with me ever since. He said, "Karen, the same way you have poured into others, it's time to do the same for you."
At the time, I thought He was primarily talking about my business. Now, almost two years into owning my private practice, I've realized He was talking about much more than that. He was talking about life. He was talking about learning how to care for myself with the same intentionality that I had spent years using to care for everyone else.
And if I'm honest, that lesson is one I am still learning day by day.
How Overgiving Creates Resentment
Many working moms don't realize they're overgiving until resentment begins to show up. Resentment rarely arrives all at once. It usually starts small. You find yourself becoming irritated more easily. You feel frustrated over things that normally wouldn't bother you. Your patience gets shorter. You feel emotionally exhausted. You begin feeling annoyed by the very things you once loved doing.
As a therapist who works with working moms experiencing burnout, I see this often. Women will come into counseling wondering why they feel frustrated with their family, irritated by their responsibilities, or disconnected from activities they once enjoyed. Many times, the issue isn't that they no longer love those things. The issue is that they've been pouring out for so long that they haven't stopped long enough to be refreshed.
Burnout Changes Everything
One of the sneakiest things about burnout is how it changes your perspective. When you're emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, everything feels heavier.
The tasks feel harder.
The responsibilities feel larger.
The interruptions feel more frustrating.
The people you love can start feeling demanding.
Even the ministries, careers, and volunteer opportunities you once enjoyed can begin to feel like burdens. Burnout has a way of making us believe that the problem is the thing we're doing. But often the problem is that we haven't rested. The problem isn't always the responsibility.
The problem is the depletion.
People Don't Know What You Don't Tell Them
One lesson I've learned is that people don't know you're drained unless you tell them. People don't know you need a break unless you communicate it. People don't know you don't have capacity unless you make it known.
Many of us secretly hope someone will notice. And yes, it is wonderful when people recognize that we're struggling. But it is even more important that we recognize it ourselves. We are responsible for our own choices. Not everyone else's.
Many people become accustomed to seeing us perform at a high level. They see us managing multiple roles and assume we're doing great. They see us “thriving”. What they don't realize is that in some seasons we're simply surviving. And because we keep showing up, they may never know the difference.
My Recent Selah
Recently, I took what I called a Selah.
A pause.
A break.
A season of intentionally stepping back from some things so I could focus on priorities that had emerged in my life. If I'm honest, it felt uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. There were moments I felt guilty. There were moments I sat there doing absolutely nothing during times when I would normally be serving, volunteering, working, or checking something off my to-do list. I remember saying to the Lord,
"I'm not doing anything. I might as well go do the thing I would normally be doing."
Immediately, I felt Him respond: "Karen, there is a difference between pouring out and being poured into."
Whew. That one got me.
Because He was absolutely right.
The Difference Between Pouring Out and Being Poured Into
You see, I needed those moments of doing nothing.
Not because I was lazy.
Not because I lacked discipline.
Not because I didn't care.
I needed them because I needed strength. I needed space. I needed renewal. I needed to receive.
As moms, we often become so comfortable being the giver that receiving feels awkward. We know how to pour into others. We know how to encourage. We know how to support. But allowing ourselves to be refreshed can feel foreign. Yet if we're constantly pouring out without ever being replenished, eventually we'll run dry.
Why Rest Feels So Difficult
Many of us are used to being productive. We're used to accomplishing. Being dependable. We're used to being the one everyone can count on. So when we stop, it feels wrong. We feel guilty. Lazy. We feel like we're wasting time. But what if rest isn't wasting time?
What if rest is preparation? What if rest is stewardship? What if rest is obedience?
I've learned that some of the most productive things I've ever done looked like doing absolutely nothing. Because those moments gave me the strength to do everything else.
Rest Is a Gift From God
As I often tell my clients, it's okay to say no without explanation. Even when you technically have the time, it's okay to say no because you need rest.
Rest is not selfish.
Rest is not weakness.
Rest is not laziness.
Rest is of the Lord.
Throughout Scripture, we see God establish rhythms of rest. Jesus Himself withdrew from crowds, stepped away from ministry demands, and spent time alone with the Father. If Jesus made room for rest, surely we can too.
When Resentment Is a Warning Sign
Mama, if you're finding yourself growing resentful toward the things you love, pay attention. Resentment is often a signal. A signal that your tank is running low. A signal that you've been giving more than you've been receiving. A signal that your body, mind, and spirit need care.
Before assuming nobody appreciates you.
Before assuming nobody cares.
Before assuming you need to quit everything.
Pause. Ask yourself: Have I rested? Have I allowed myself to be poured into? Have I given myself permission to receive?
It's Time to Thrive Again
Maybe the people around you aren't intentionally overlooking your needs. Maybe they've simply become accustomed to seeing you handle everything. They see you thriving because that's the version of you they've always known. They don't realize that lately you've been surviving. But now, it's time to thrive again!
Take the break.
Take the pause.
Take the walk.
Take the nap.
Take the quiet time with God.
Take your Selah.
Because when you learn the difference between pouring out and being poured into, you stop serving from exhaustion. You begin serving from overflow.
And that, Mama, is where joy lives.
