I’m Not Sure if I’m Doing This Right: How do I Love My Children Equally, But Differently Without Guilt?
I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but being a mom of multiple children—each with their own unique personality, needs, and ways of communicating—can be a real challenge.
Over the past 21 years of being a mom, one thing has become crystal clear to me: you can absolutely love all your children equally, but you will not—and should not—love them all the same way.
I know that sounds a little bold, but stay with me.
Equal Love Doesn’t Mean Identical Love
Of course, we love all our children with our whole hearts. That’s never in question. But one thing I’ve learned over the years is that loving our kids equally doesn’t mean loving them the exact same way.
Each of my children is wonderfully unique—handcrafted by God with distinct personalities, strengths, sensitivities, and needs. And those differences deserve to be honored, not overlooked.
I’m a mom of three, and I’ve seen this truth unfold right in front of me:
My oldest son just turned 21. He’s academic, thoughtful, and can talk with his Mama for hours. I cherish our deep conversations and how he invites me into his world through words.
My second son, who’s almost 20, speaks the universal language of the head nod. He’s more reserved, but the way to his heart is through food and shared time. Connection with him appears to be about showing up consistently in ways that feel natural to who he is.
My youngest is my 13-year-old daughter. She’s bold, independent, and wants to keep up with her older brothers—but she still craves attention and isn’t shy about letting me know what she wants.
Loving each of them well means paying attention to what makes them feel seen, safe, and supported. It means understanding that their love languages are different—and so are the ways I show up for them.
Loving our kids equally doesn’t mean loving them the exact same way.
Teaching Our Children to Embrace Differences
Loving my children means teaching them this deeper truth: fair doesn’t always mean equal, and equal doesn’t always mean identical. And that’s okay. Because when love is rooted in intention and grace, it reaches each heart exactly where it’s needed.
When my boys were little—only 15 months apart—I practically raised them like twins. If one played baseball, the other did too. If one wore a certain outfit, you better believe the other one was matching right beside him. It was adorable, but more than that, it helped them build teamwork, deep friendship, and a willingness to share.
But as they grew, I started to see their unique personalities come alive. My oldest gravitated toward cool blues, soccer, playing in the band, and eventually began growing his hair long. Meanwhile, my younger son was all about bright colors (especially orange), preferred a clean fade haircut, and was passionate about football.
This was the season to teach them confidence in being different, but also that being different didn’t mean competition—it was something to cheer for. I reminded them often: “You weren’t created to blend in. You were meant to stand out. You are created to be great!” And I watched them practice doing just that; Respecting their differences and working hard at all they do.
Then came my daughter. Being the youngest and the only girl, she had a front-row seat to everything her older brothers did—and she wanted in. She wanted their bedtime. Their snack portions. Their video game privileges. And their dinner helpings (even though her plate nor her stomach could hold that much!).
I had to slow things down and explain in my gracious Mama voice:
"Girl, they’re older than you. What’s right for them isn’t always right for you. That doesn’t mean we love you any less—it just means you’re in a different stage, and that’s okay."
We had conversations about how fair doesn’t always mean equal. Sometimes, fairness means getting what you need in the season you're in. This included explaining why her bedtime had to be earlier, or why she couldn’t join certain activities just yet. I tried to show her that being younger didn’t mean missing out—it meant growing at her own pace. And eventually, her time would come too.
That principle has stuck with us through the years—and even now, as my kids continue to grow and change, I see them carry that same grace and mindset into their relationships with each other and the world around them.
Loving people as they are, where they are. Knowing that–
Sometimes we share.
Sometimes we take turns.
Sometimes we get something just because it’s our moment.
Sometimes we don’t.
And that’s okay.
Love Languages Matter in Motherhood
The concept of love languages—originally taught in marriage ministry—has been such a helpful tool in parenting. The five love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts) don’t just apply to couples—they apply to our children too.
I actually share this with my clients often—and I’ve lived it in my own parenting. As moms, it’s easy to get overwhelmed trying to give our kids equal attention when what they really need is fair attention. Fair attention means showing up in ways that meet each child’s unique needs. That’s why learning your child’s love language can be such a game-changer. It helps you love them more intentionally, rather than doing things that simply feel like good parenting.
For example, we might plan a whole movie day thinking we’re creating a core memory, when really, our child just wanted their favorite candy bar. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s important for children to learn to do things that other people love, but listen—learning your child’s love language may save you a lot of money, tears, and hurt feelings. (Ask me how I know!)
When my kids were younger, I had them take the Love Languages quiz. As I was preparing to write this blog, I asked them to take it again. (If you want to do the same with your kids, you can find the quiz here). Here’s what we discovered:
My 13-year-old daughter – Quality time
My 19-year-old son – Words of Affirmation
My 21-year-old son – Receiving Gifts
I have to admit—I was a little surprised by some of the results, (like I mentioned before, my daughter loves to tell me what she wants, my youngest son prefers not to hold a conversation and holding a conversation seems to come easy for my oldest), but I’m grateful for the insight. It gives me new ways to connect with them, even in their teen and young adult stages. And honestly– That’s a blessing. IYKYK!
God’s Love Is Our Example
As I’ve walked through these years of parenting, God continues to remind me that He is the perfect example of loving us uniquely.
He doesn’t love us with a one-size-fits-all kind of love.
He meets us right where we are.
He speaks to us in the way our hearts best understand.
He gives us grace that fits our individual need.
And isn’t that what we want to model for our children?
Romans 12:6 reminds us that “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” That includes our children. And that includes us as moms.
We are each doing the best we can with the children God entrusted to us. So let’s stop comparing, stop guilt-tripping, and start embracing the truth that loving our children differently is not only okay—it’s exactly what they need.
“As I’ve walked through these years of parenting, God continues to remind me that He is the perfect example of loving us uniquely.”
Final Encouragement: You’re Doing Better Than You Think
Mama, if you’ve been feeling torn between your kids’ needs…If you’ve wondered, “Am I loving them well enough?” If you’ve felt guilty for giving one more attention this week than another…
Take a deep breath.
You are not failing. You are learning.
You are not neglecting. You are navigating.
You are not alone. You are growing.
God sees your heart. He sees your effort. And He is more than able to fill in the gaps where we fall short.
Keep showing up. Keep loving well. And give yourself the same grace you so freely offer your children.
You’ve got this. And when you don’t—God’s got you.
Do You Need Help Parenting Without Guilt?
If you’ve ever felt the sting of mom guilt while trying to love all your children well—yet differently—you’re not alone. Balancing motherhood, meeting each child’s unique needs, and still showing up for yourself can feel overwhelming.
But here’s the truth: loving your children equally doesn’t mean loving them the same way—and learning how to do that with grace takes intention and support.
At Greatness Awaits Counseling Services, I specialize in helping moms release guilt, embrace God’s grace, and find peace in their parenting journey. Together, we’ll explore how to meet your children where they are, while not losing yourself in the process.
✨ You can love them fully and care for yourself too.
Your heart is big enough. Let’s walk this path of motherhood with purpose and peace—one step at a time.
About the Author
Karen Lanxon is a Christian therapist, wife, and mom of three with a heart for helping women and families thrive. With over 20 years of experience serving youth and families through education, foster care, and ministry—and now more than two years in private practice—Karen brings both wisdom and warmth to her counseling work. Known by colleagues and clients as “the laughing therapist,” she creates a welcoming space rooted in compassion, authenticity, and acceptance. Her mission is to help others rediscover purpose, embrace grace, and walk confidently in every season of life.
